Category: Pieces of Me Page 4 of 5

It was in that instant that I saw the complete picture;

We are born into this world. And with that first breathe we are handed a marvelous blank canvas. A magical infinite canvas which holds all our dreams and hopes, for ourselves and each other. Endless possibilities for memories waiting to be born.

The canvas comes with watercolors. Watercolors in every imaginable shade of the rainbow, ready for you to be picked up and used when ever, where ever and however you please.

What happened to us??

I guess we were too young to remember it being taken from us. Taken and replaced. What we got handed back was still a canvas, although there was only a square inch of it left, and the edges were jagged. So you better be careful not to hurt yourself.

The watercolors, well, suffice to say you will not be using them. Instead you get handed a pencil. You know, a grey one. Grey is such a nice neutral color, also most practical in case of error. You know, eraser-wise.

Then they tell you what your designated hours are. Within that time frame you are allowed to draw. But, you are only allowed to draw straight lines. Horizontal, vertical, diagonal, that’s up to you, but them lines damn better be straight. Straight lines are encouraged by praise, curvy lines are punishable by humiliation.

‘Why can’t you just be like the others. The others obey and are loved. Don’t you want to be loved?’

So the trap shuts and we simply forget. We forget we were handed so much more. We forget who we once were as we become part of a system designed to kill our souls. A system designed for one and one reason only; to MAKE us forget we had options, that it doesn’t have to be this way. Hell, it was never supposed to be this way.

What happened to us can be reversed. At least, I believe it can be.

One way is the most tragic and painful one. Also the most effective short term full blast awakening. All it takes is a near-death experience of the soul. Yeah, that is about as fun as it sounds.

You just place yourself in the middle of a crushing mental crisis, or a devastating heartbreak, that works too. All it takes is enough emotional and psychological pressure to make your brain and your emotional body shut down on itself completely. Your ego will die off and you will wake up refreshed and good as new. Combined with all your new insights, you are ready to face the world.

That is by the way not exactly what happened to me.

I hate the term awakening. It suggests some kind of a zombie state I was in. I wasn’t. I know exactly what happened to me, how and why. I remember every decision I made, the good ones and the ‘less effective’ ones. I remember my thought patterns from then because those thoughts were mine and I thought them all. Also, my brain is trained to observe every thought I have, all the time. It is part of my survival toolbox. So I remember how I thought.

The moments I look back, I try not to do that for any other reason than reference, I feel shocked, still. That person might have been me, but it sure as hell isn’t anymore.

So far, 2020 is a transformative year. As were 2019, 2018 and all the years before to be honest, still this one is different. This one involves another person in a way I have not had the pleasure of experiencing. And a pleasure it is. Now.

It wasn’t before, it was like being dragged through hell. And back. And hell again. But now we’re good.

My story started almost 50 years ago. Or, maybe I should say, the prologue started then. You would never guess it but yeah, I’ve been around half a century. On this plane that is. As far as my existence goes, I have been and always will be, for I am eternal.

Anyhow, one chilly morning this babygirl was born into this world and took her first breathe. A breathe filled with the promise of a life, an adventure and indefinite possibilities.

Spoiler alert; the promise was kept. And the story has just started, go figure

If I could change something about myself, it would be my reflex the moment I see that something is about to fall. That would be nice.

I sometimes see it happening from a distance; a person in a situation, something falls, person catches the something, a situation is saved.

That’s not what I do. I see something is about to fall and I stick my arms up in the air. And if I foresee a loud noise coming, I stick my fingers in my ears.

I can’t get a grip on it. I don’t think I can change that but would like to.
I think it’s stupid. And funny. And very weird

Been redoing the entire site. Henley has been on my homepage for as long as this space exists. That’s a long time.
And it suddenly occurred to me that I don’t need it anymore. I did before, it was my reminder, but not anymore.

Will keep it here. As a reminder of where I am, not where I was. I am going to replace it with something that’s mine.

My words, my message, my biggest wish.

I don’t know if I am competitive. On the one hand, I try not to compare myself to anybody else. There are things I can do, some very well, and there are things I’m horrible at. I have a clear picture of my capabilities. In that sense, it makes little to no sense, without a goal attached to it, to compare myself to someone else.

When it comes to character traits I do compare to others. If I am very honest, I always consider myself the most honest, most straight forward and certainly the most mentally strong person on this planet. I can be quite full of myself and regard others, I dunno, as simple peasants?

Obviously, I’m joking.

Or am I?

I am mostly in competition with myself I think. I am happy with who I am, I think I’m a good person, I think I’m a kind and fair person. I enjoy spending time with me, we never get bored.

I do have certain behaviors that I think can be improved, things I want to do  differently. If I do it in a different way it would be more effective.

I know what I’m capable of and what I’m not. If you ask me if I can do something and I can’t, I’ll say so. No problem. I have that picture so complete that competition is not applicable. If you have something that’s already complete, it’s the most complete version of something you can have, why compare it to something else? Apples and oranges. Or, in this case, one orange

I think I am not competitive.

Unless Monopoly. Ooh, Monopoly … *Must study definition of ‘competitive’

I have this super weird thing I do and I can not stop myself from doing it. I categorize everything. I have to because by nature I’m a pretty disorganized and chaotic person. I get easily distracted, I think everything is a great idea and I want to do it all RIGHT NOW and preferably all at once. So yes, I need structure.

One of the things I do is categorize. I categorize everything you can think of. Music, movies, administration, my groceries, information. It’s insane, I know! Shrugs “Yeah, that’s what I do”.

But, and here comes the fun part, my brain is wired in a very peculiar way. When it comes to plain data, no imagination needed, my brain is totally black/white in it’s preference for structure. it’s either 0 or 1 (Yes, it makes perfect sense that I love programming so much).

Let’s say I have a directory with data, inside are 3 directories; Y, Z, Other. Simple. But, something in the back of my mind will keep nagging me that there is a better way to organize this. Because I have 3 directories with a lot of information in either one directory, especially the directory ‘Other’. So it seems like a great idea to create some sub directories. In that way it’s easier to find if needed (yeah…right) So, I get to work. Most gain is made from ‘Other’ so let’s start there. Off course is everything YZ in there because of not strictly Y OR Z. So that’s one extra directory, it’s called YZ (Brilliant). I now have Y, Z, YZ and Other. Next problem. There’s a lot of A, B, C in Other but not enough to create a separate directory so let’s combine and create inside Other 5 more directories: ABCDE, FGHIJ, KLMNO, PQRST, UVWX. Ok, done. Now I just need to sort out the data and place it in the correct directory. This is usually the point where I completely lose ALL oversight and begin to wonder why I started this shit in the first place.. Now frustration sets in because I don’t want to do this anymore. This is NO FUN at all. And I’ve been at it for hours (add sound for dramatic effect) so I deserve a break, knowing well that I do not mean ‘break’ but finding reasons to permit myself to go do something that is actually FUN.

And 3, 2, 1…I check out. I’m so done. I am out.

Sometimes I return to the scene of the crime and try and make an effort to ‘make things better’. Somehow that never works