Love and I always had a complicated relationship. I thought I didn’t but I do.
Spoiler: I had to consciously allow myself to be loved. I had to accept being loved.
I’m a free spirited person, I love hard and freely, no backsies. When it comes to giving love, every day is christmas with me. I’ll shower you in love to the point of…. You being sick of it? Can’t imagine, but that much. I love easily and big, that’s all I’m saying.
I could not for the life of me, explain my anxiety surrounding Moam. Why was I feeling fearful, why was I drawn back to the last messages for reassurance when I already knew what I knew, that he loves me back. Since I’m very aware of everything being projection I figured I was projecting past experiences onto my present situation. That makes perfect sense. When all you’ve ever known is betrayal you get careful. So I left it at that and figured it would subside in time. All I had to do was stay alert regarding my own patterns.
Then something happened that kinda shook things up. I almost ended a years long friendship. I didn’t but I wanted to. One remark triggered a lot of shit to come to the surface.
Love, in the circumstances I grew up in, was another word for danger, pain. Love that was offered always had a price. Of course now I now better. Whatever it was, it was not love. Still, those old neural pathways are there. One remark I misinterpreted made them all fire up, at once. My friends love, so I decided, came at a price. He had loved me for 14 years and now it was time for me to pay up. I panicked. Told him he was out of line, to not do that again, kept every feeling I had to myself and just decided to not contact him again. Case closed. Friendship over.
It took some days to settle down. When the storm was over I was a bit surprised by my own thoughts. I was going to throw away 14 years of friendship over one remark. I found that bizarre. Even for my standard. It was almost as if I had been waiting for a reason to run, to be able to say ‘See, I knew it’.
But, knew what? What was it that was proven? That I was NOT loved? That this had been some kind of elaborate master plan to get into my pants. A plan that overspun more than a decade? That’s preposterous. Why was it so hard for me to just accept that he loves me, just for me, no backsies.
Long story short, because I just never had. Accepted that.
For crying out loud, my before-last relationship had told me in not so many words the same thing; If only you would have been able to let me love you. I now know what he meant, I didn’t then. It’s so simple; loving is from me to you, I control that. I give it, I take it. No danger. You loving me, ahhh..See where I’m going. Being loved, accepting love is having no control at all. If you love me, you can take it away again. Plus by being loved I’m exposing myself to the betrayal that is connected to it. Being loved is fucking scary!
So, after some time I reached out to him. I was going to do things different, that was my promise to myself. I told him what had happened and why, what I had discovered. I opened up and told him I needed him to do the same thing. It was scary but I figured, the only way out is through.
It wasn’t hard to recognize the same pattern with Moam. If I was being completely honest, I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, something that would make me say ‘See, I knew it’, something that would allow me to run away. I still have those feelings. I wish I didn’t.
Every action he has taken, every word he said, the message is the same; I love you, no backsies. So, I am accepting that, or trying to. Or at least not let my actions be dictated by a lack of it.
Will there be an end to this rabbithole?